Saturday, March 15, 2008

Feeling sentimental....I apologize in advance.

Around Christmas I came across this post and have probably thought about it at least once a day since.

Would you trade Cancer for a normal life, or your old life?

I've thought about blogging about this because I think about it so often, but just felt that this was too candid, but since this is my journal, and I'm feeling awfully sentimental tonight, bear with me!

I have asked myself this question once a day at least. I know, I know, I'm not the one who has cancer, but our lives have changed drastically together since that crappy day.

I have watched my husband feel pretty awful at times. There have been many days where he can't talk to me or roughhouse with the girls because his throat hurts so much. We have had to have discussions that I feel we shouldn't have to speak of till we are ninety at least :). We have medical bills and we joke that we are paying for that new wing at the hospital. We have have had to change quite of few life plans, but I think everyone has to do that at some point, silly us for thinking that we can plan our lives anyways! I now realize it doesn't work that way. We have had to realize that our family is complete, and that has been hard to swallow.

But...

To all the bad, there is so much good too.

We have been taken care of in so many ways. We have been taken in by so many people. We have been the recipients of many charitable acts. We have felt the heartfelt prayers of so many people. Travis and I have learned to take care of each other in a totally different way than we have ever had to before making our marriage very strong. We've found faith in the Lord, and have been more thankful for all the good things we have in our lives. We have never been so thankful for the power of the Priesthood. I think that we are learning to look forward to each day we have, and hopefully we are trying to make the best of them. Not a day has gone by where I haven't learned how kind people are and I am constantly amazed by them, and wondering what I can do to be more like them. I know I have a lot of you to thank for all of the above...so thank you again.

I wish I could be like Amber and say that I wouldn't give up this cancer for our old life. I would give up this if I could. I'll admit it. For us it is just a lifelong disease, and I would love to not have to think about it for even a day, but would I ever want to trade what we have learned? NO.

I wish I could have it both ways! My goal through all of this is really to find the good in our situation, because there is so much good. I think we are both trying to make the best of this, though I'm finding Travis is much better at this than I am...I'm working on it okay! We are realizing that so many people have it worse than we do, and we are trying to remember that.

Travis had a treatment on Thursday and is feeling okay. I can tell that they are starting to wear on him and he is feeling pretty tired, but still not near as bad as he was with his first round. THANK GOODNESS! He has one more and then he gets a week off! Yeah! That week of has seemed to make a big difference physically and emotionally. He handles this with so much courage and I am always impressed with how rarely he gets down. He has only had to miss a few days of work, and I feel so blessed that he still wants to take such great care of our family. I often wonder about how different it would be if our roles were reversed, I'm pretty sure I would just be a sick lump on the couch! Travis, thank you for being who you are. I am always amazed by your attitude, and have grown to love you more and more through all of this! Your girls are lucky to have a hero in you, and really it's no wonder that they are both Daddy's girls. :)

15 comments:

Shelly and her boys said...

Beautiful posts. You have had such an amaxing attitude through all of this. Justin's grandma always says, "now what can we learn from this" I think that you had done just that.
We luv ya and are still praying for yeah!

Bre said...

I think that you are such wonderful person and have such an amazing family. I love reading your posts! YOu cease to amaze me each time really!! I think you have been so strong but it is definitely ok to break and be sad or bitter too. Im sure you have learned a lot as well. We love you and still pray for you always! Your girls are SO LUCKY to have you BOTH!!

Katie said...

I'm so glad I get to read your blog. Your insights are uplifting and remind me of what really counts in life. I marvel at people like you and Travis who go through such tough things, especially at a young age, but who find the good and become better people because of it. I hope I can be like you when my big trial(s) come. We love you guys also and have faith for the best.

The McClellan Clan said...

Thank you so much for sharing all this with us. When bad things happen, we always have to say why, but it takes a while to really figure it out. And in the end, you'll know. Your family is so special!! And it is so noticeable how much you all mean to each other. You guys all mean so much to me, and even though I don't really know travis and the girls, I feel I do, and its through your awesome words that give us all insight. Take care. take the good days and bad days and do whatever you want with them. Good luck. We all love you

Matt & Jill said...

Reading your blog reminds me the most important thing in life. Thanks!

tina said...

Aw Hayley! You make me cry yet again. We love you and your in our hearts and prayers!

Hanne and Fam said...

You have this talent of making me speechless. You are so strong and I really look up to you. I am so glad to have you as a friend and neighbor.

Cody & Ashley Godfrey said...

I want you to know, that I think you've been amazing during this thing called "cancer". You have definitely taught me a thing or two. You and Trav are two people I will always think of when I think of faith, love, and endurance.
Thanks for helping me remember what is important. I'm trying to be better, and thanks to you, I might finally get where I know I need to be!

TCT said...

I had no idea what you were going through. You are such an amazing person. You have really made me realize what is most important in this life, and to make each day count. Thanks for sharing it.
Taneill

Haueter Photography said...

You are seriously the best blogger! I love your posts. They really make me stop and think about things and what is truly important, so thanks!

Kylene said...

I love how you wrote about finding the good in all of this. I think that no matter what our situation is or what trials we are going through, if we can take a step back and SEE the good, we will FEEL the good. Thanks for such a beautiful, uplifting post.

Natelli Johnston said...

Hayley, thanx for leaving a comment, you made my day! I love to read your blog. I think you are amazing and an inspiration. Your little girls are beautiful! So I am so dumb sometimes, I thought I was writing you a comment and wrote to myself instead, thinking it was you. dum dum! Do you have Daina's # by chance. she changed her home phone and I lost her cell phone #. natelli

Michelle said...

I love you!

jared and susan said...

Hi, I found you from your comment on Natelli's blogspot, this is Susan Hammond. I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry you guys are having to go through this trial. Life is full of suprises both good and bad. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and will keep your family in my prayers.

Jessica Davis said...

You have so much strength. Things are rough and you aknowledge that but then you are able to turn it around and see the good. That is amazing. You are in my prayers and I am sure the Lord is watching over your little family.