Disneyland!

March brings our annual trip to the Happiest place on Earth.

This year was different, of course.

But we only shed a few tears and we had as much fun as we could.

I'm so sad it's already over!

 We just love that place!

Isn't there such excitement just getting on the airport shuttle knowing

that your going somewhere far away!?

My girls ride the shuttle in style.

 

 

We invited my Mom, My Aunt Sue, and my cousin Linsey to join us.

It was the perfect group to help us laugh,

and really we laughed.

And this group of girls...well, we can eat!

We got to our hotel before our room was ready,

so the girls swam while we basked in the sun.

It was LOVELY!

Then we headed downtown for dinner.

Our first stop?

DUH.  Peanut Butter Grahams.

This was the first of many.

I wont say the amount....

 but many.

The next morning we were off to the park bright and early.

and excited!

Here they are with Linsey.

They adore her!

And I'm sorry,

but I had the cutest girls in the entire park.

Oh I love them!

The Jungle cruise.

My sister in law Amy, is obsessed with Mary Poppins.

We were so excited to get a pic just for her.

The crew.

We ate Disneyland Soup the first day.

It was strange sitting out in the courtyard without T.

We really missed him the whole trip,

but the little moments-like eating his favorite soup,

or shopping for surprises is when it really crept up on us.

Linsey was a fan.

This shot...

makes my day.

I think we have this shot...6 years running. 

It's a classic.

Also, missed Trav always having a really high score.

He put us all to shame every time.

 

 Sue and I wearing twinner shirts...and being pirates?  I think?

We ate breakfast at Goofy's kitchen.

It was an absolute blast.

And Disney has hired a mad hatter who is worth meeting.

He was hilarious.

I love these ladies!

Linsey found this hat...yes, Mickey's butt.

So they bought me Minnie's.  We looked like idiots, but it was just too funny.

We were called buttheads the whole trip.

We loved walking around in our minnie ears.

It rained on day 3.  Not horribly,

for the most part it just drizzled here and there and that made it really fun.

I did get caught in a serious downpour, but only for a minute.

And we ate.

We ate so much.

I can't even tell you.

I'm sick when I think of it!

Disneyland was good to us.

It's a new chapter.

And a strange one.

But we still loved it, and I know that's what T would want for us.

The next day we had big plans to go to the beach,

and the farmers market,

and hang out in LA,

but it poured.

Hard.

So we ate a quick lunch in LA and then we drove around.

Sue was geeking out over rodeo drive.

And Linsey and i were just feeling pretty cool driving around in our

minivan!

We tried to spot some celebrities...

but we failed.

The last night we hung around the hotel and ate some PF changs and watched movies.

It was actually really fun and kinda nice to wind down.

We were sad to be coming home!

We hold a lot of Disney memories in our hearts with Travis.

We missed him every second and wish he could have been there,

running around like he could have only done years ago.

We were so grateful that we had such wonderful people to share it with.

They made the trip special and FUN!

Till next year Disneyland.

{Gearing up for spring}

For Valentines day,

some of my dearest friends got together and gave me a ski ticket for Valentines day.

These group of women,

well we are a random group of friends.

How we became so close,

I'll never really know,

but they have banded together to take care of me,

and I have no words for how much I treasure them.

They always know what to say,

and at least one of them, if not all of them,

would be here in 2 minutes if I needed something.

They are pretty amazing friends.

And skiing! Without kids! Or crowds!

It was just a gorgeous, fun, fun day!

(Courtney, Candace, Julie, Me, Natalie)

Julie, the center of attention...as always!

Me and Julie. Ski Bunnies.

I also have been spending a lot of time with my sweet girls.

I'm so grateful for these kids of mine.  They fill my life with joy.

Love Roo's outfit of choice. 

She's such a keeper!

We were able to go night skiing a few weeks ago and I was 

so impressed with how they are improving.

It was a complete blast!

I think we may only have one or two ski days left before Spring makes it's final debut.

I can't wait!

I am ready for warmth and the Sun!

{The story of the Boot: Another Travis Memory}

During our secret dating life,

I was going to beauty school.

(In fact, I had just started.  It was pretty darn funny 

when I got roses from the missionary, and Travis on my first day of school...)

Anyhow,

I lucked out immensely when I started school.

I met some pretty wonderful friends,

one in particular,

Lorinda.

I knew we'd be dear friends when I spilled a Coke on her on our

first lunch break together, and she still loved me.

We did everything together,

and she was one of the few who got to know all about Travis,

and she adored him.

She knew me well enough to know that he was right for me,

and she rooted for him all along.

(And to this day, Rind is one of my biggest supporters,

very dearest friends, and one of the most beautiful people I know.  The Good Lord

made sure we found each other-because I'm fairly certain He knew I'd need her!)

Along with Lorinda, we made some other pretty fantastic friends.

I still just adore them.

We did everything together,

and I cherish those memories.

We had so much fun!

And had some pretty crazy times together.

 

My friends (oddly, both named Jamie)

lived on campus at USU.

We spent a lot of time hanging around their apartments,

and especially when their roommates would go home for the weekend...

we would steal their beds and make ourselves comfy for the night.

(Which is funny because one of their old roommates is now in my ward,

and I had to tell her..."Hey, I've slept in your bed a few times!")

 

Anyhow,

parking at their place was a big old pain.

And because I was young, and really stupid,

I was sure I could bend the rules and park wherever I wanted.

 But,

I was wrong.

And,

I was devastated when I found a boot on my car.

And,

even more so when I learned that it was $60 to have it taken off.

 

I had about $70 in my savings account.

(How sad and pathetic is that?  Note: I had great shoes).

 

I remember calling Travis crying and feeling pretty broken hearted over it.

(Which is funny to me now, because this was clearly---allllll myyy faultttt.)

Anyhow, I paid the fine and we were on our way.

The next day at school Travis called.

He said,

"Go out to your car, right now...and hurry."

I assumed he was there,

but he wasn't.

Instead, an enormous pair of red cowboy boots were on my window shield.

My first thought, I really truly remember thinking...was "do I have to wear these?"

Because they were hideous!

And I wondered why in the world he would buy me shoes.

Ugly, ugly shoes.

 

And then I grabbed them and looked inside.

He had taken 60  1 dollar bills and rolled each one of them up and stuffed those ugly boots.

A note read something like "Boots to help pay for your boot".

 

That man.

How I didn't just marry him then-I'll never know.

 

(These Travis Memories just make me smile.  How lucky was I to have this in my life??)

 

Conferences, The Catan Olympics, Valentines Day

We had Parent Teacher Conferences a few weeks ago.

I was a little nervous that because life has thrown these loves a complete curve ball

things wouldn't go great,

but once again,

they've proven me wrong.

I am so proud.

They are both getting wonderful grades,

and better then that,

I was told they are kind, happy, and really great kids.

I agree.

I'm so proud of them for working so hard and for being able to overcome so much this year.

Sienna had this darling book hanging by her room.

It just made my heart ache for her.

(Front Cover-self portrait-My big moments of 2013)

 

My heart.  It aches and breaks.

We had a week completely buried in snow.

We fasted and prayed for moisture,

and we got it!

It was beautiful.

And a week later it's completely gone.

What a strange few weeks we've had.

The other day we were at my moms house and my brother had a grand idea.

The Catan Olympics.

Bless his heart.

He made medals from scratch...

We hummed the Olympic song,

and played the game with some embarrassingly intense longing to win.

Oh, and yes...I'm a gold medalist.

Don't be jeal.

Travis would have loved this.

He would have gotten the gold and I missed him!

Also, so glad my family finds ways to make life happy.

I love them so much.

I was pretty excited to chop my hair off and get some new color.

It always feels great to change it up!

Valentines came and went.

I wasn't greatly excited for it.

It's not that I care a whole lot about the holiday,

but not having Travis here made it much less happy.

I threw myself into crafting to get through it!

I missed him.

I miss him.

I love him.

I told the girls they could choose where we went to dinner.

Duh, they always choose Olive Garden.

When will I learn.

I adore my little valentines and they remind me of how blessed I am!

I found a Valentine From T a few days before the big day.

That made me smile, and made my heart melt.

I have some pretty amazing friends and family.

They always, always, always go above and beyond for me.

They spoiled me for Valentines Day and helped ease the burden.

I appreciate them sacrificing so much for me.

And one more..

because I can't help but think she's the most beautiful little 7 year old.

I adore her.

Our Story

Valentines Day is quickly approaching.

It's never been a Holiday I care about much,

but this year I will feel the ache of not having my 

Valentine here.  I miss that guy.

In the past few months I've met a lot of widows,

a good chunk of them are close to my age and dealing with 

some of the same feelings and situations I am.

They have all found beautiful ways to document their memories

and lives with their husbands.

I've set a goal to really write down some great memories of Travis and I.

I want my kids to have lots and lots of memories of their own,

and memories they can picture from others.

 If you have a memory, kind thought, or anything you feel the ladies should

remember about T,

please e-mail it to me!

Hayley429@hotmail.com

And enjoy these many "Travis Memories" posts to come.

Today's story is how we met- and fell in love.

I like this one.

(I like them all!)

Also, posts in italics are exerts straight from T's journal.

(I didn't include any of the embarrassing mushy things he wrote...

he would have killed me, but I loved his input on our story.

Just makes my day reading his words about it.)

I can't tell you how much I treasure these words. 

This journal is the best gift he ever gave me.

 I had my first real boyfriend when I was 15.

Yes, 15.

(Mom...Why? How did I get away with this?  How can i hide this from my kids in 5 years?)

This boyfriend was a Senior while I was a mere sophomore.

He had some of the most hilarious friends-who became some of my best friends.

And we had so much fun together.

I went to my first date with him.

My first high school dance with him.

We played volleyball with a huge group of friends

 under the lights in a small city nearby nightly.  

We went water skiing, snow skiing, and sat by the fire

in a secret campground his friends discovered.

And have really fond memories of the fun group of friends we had together.

It was a great way to start high school...and when he left for his LDS mission....

I was gonna be here when he got home.

Then,

as at least 75% of all Mormon girls do,

I wrote a Dear John letter because...

 I met boyfriend #2.

Boyfriend #2 was not a whole lot like #1.

He was more like the men in my family.

I remember fishing in the little ponds in his country town,

driving on dirt roads late at night-almost hitting deer multiple times.

4 wheeling and hunting.

I went to my last high school dance with him and spent graduation 

with him and our friends-picturing a future together.

We spent lots of time with each others families.

My family adored him.

And I adored his family.

He was in my future plans,

and we were all banking on it.

And when he left for his Mission....

I was gonna be here when he got home.

I was NOT going to be the girl who sent 2 missionaries off

and Dear John'ed them both.

I wasn't going to date anyone.

I wasn't going to give anyone else the time of day.

I was going to school and working full time and

focusing on the future and both of our families seemed content with this plan.

For a short amount of time, before I started school,
 I was just working full time.

I'd start at 6:00 am and had a phone job...

many times I would doze of while waiting for a call to come in.
This will come as no surprise to anyone who knows me.
I am decidedly not a morning person.

I often went in a hat, sans makeup and eyes full of sleep.

This is how I met Travis.

(Even as I write this I grin.)

"It's one of those classic stories.  Boy meets girl.  They fall in love and
live happily ever after...well, not even close.  This story has to be one of the most complicated
ever written."

 He was a manager there and switched his shift to mornings

after I'd been there for a while.

 I have no recollection of our first meeting.

T always said I was wearing a red sweater...but I don't recall.

I don't really remember how we became such friends,

but at some point-

I'd always find myself with a question as soon as he was on the floor.

And he'd always happen to find a project by my desk...

"I was put in charge of seating so when everyone moved I kept Hayley right

in the front."

I loved being stuck in that front seat.

But it was harmless and he was a flirt and there were plenty of girls in the office

who liked this single Travis.

And he was 6 years older then me....

it seemed like a lot back then.

 I didn't hide the missionary from him.

I told anyone who would ask about him,

and made sure he knew that there was no way this would go anywhere.

It was harmless flirting.

Somewhere along the lines Travis and I both switched to working nights.

It was a slow season and he would find any excuse to get me working on 

a project near him, and in turn I found any excuse to chat with him.

I filed a lot of things that didn't need filing and cleaned a lot of already clean things.

We spent most of our work nights partially working, and mostly chatting.

I would try to set him up with girls from work,

just to make it clear that I was already taken.

(But inside I knew that he wasn't gonna date them)

(And I probably would have died a little inside if he would have).

 (Please remember I was young, selfish, and secretly smitten).

We worked till 9 each night and he always happened to leave the exact same time as me.

We'd walk down the back set of stairs together chatting,
He'd always walk me to my car,
and then we would go our separate ways.
And I drove away smiling, every single night.

But still,

I had big plans to marry that Missionary.
And I still didn't want to be 'that' girl.

A friend I worked with at the time also had a little crush on T.

So one day after work

 as we took our usual walk down the stairs I told him he should ask her out.

Travis looked at me with a pained expression...

and an annoyed expression.
(How I miss that look!)

 That day we happened to park in two separate parking lots.

He offered me a ride to my car and I quizzed him about why he wouldn't ask my friend out.

"I was such a pansy.  I wouldn't let her out of my car because I had something to tell her
but I couldn't say...If I could have read her mind I'm sure she was freaking out wishing she would have brought her can of mace. After a while I finally got the words out.  I can't go out with your friend because I want to go out with you. I did it. Now comes the part where she acts excited and says yes.  Well, that didn't happen either.  She sat silent for what seemed like an Eternity , and finally uttered maybe."

Yes, I just said maybe.

Travis wasn't shy exactly. 

He would have comfortable asking anyone else out..

but I'd been shoving my boyfriend in his face for months,

and he was adorably nervous.

I loved it.

I still love just thinking about it.

Meanwhile,

the thought of telling my family,

or the Missionaries family that I was even thinking of dating

made me feel ill.

I hated thinking I was letting anyone down.

(32 year old me knows that my family and his family would have understood,

but 19 year old me didn't dare even broach the subject.  I was really pretty dumb about it.)

So I eventually told Travis no.

And then spent hours and hours chatting with him after work.

I mean hours.

We stood in a parking lot, or sat in our cars listening to music,

and talking about everything under the sun.

It was never boring and it was the brightest spot of my day.

Travis was nothing like anyone I'd known.

He had such a head on his shoulders.

He knew what he wanted and had so much ambition and drive.

He was so smart and athletic and sarcastic.

His sarcasm and sense of humor just fit me to a T.

And before I knew it,

I was head over heels in love.

We'd never even kissed.

And we had never even been on a date.

I fell in love in a parking lot.
A really ghetto parking lot.

And it scared the hell out of me.

I had never even mentioned him to my family.

So naturally,

being the complete wuss that I was,

I broke up with him.

In the parking lot-of course.

I told him I would marry my Missionary and that we should end it 

before either one of us got in over our heads.

And he said,

"Oh I think it's too late for that."

He walked me to my car that night and told me he didn't really think

it was fair that it felt like we were breaking up and we'd never even kissed.

And then he kissed me.

Twice.

(Till he died he maintained that I went in for the second kiss..we agreed to disagree).

"As I told her goodnight she pulled me in for another kiss, (she claims I moved in for one last
smooch, but I know for a fact that she pulled me in".

I went home with a heavy-very confused heart.

During this time I was going to school in the mornings and working at night,

so time was limited.

And for an entire day I really kept to that break-up.

But... it just didn't keep.

I adored him too much, 

and he wasn't giving in.

And somehow,

he became my secret boyfriend who 

I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone about. 

I felt like it started out so innocent and became something 

so real, so fast,

I just didn't know how to broach the subject with anyone...

so I didn't.

Instead of just hanging out in the parking lot,

we started going places and spending every free second together.

We broke up and got back together almost weekly because

he was ready for more and I was so caught in my web that I didn't know 

where to start unraveling.

This lasted for along time.
When I think about it,
I know that Travis just saw the bigger picture,
and that's why he put up with me.
It was completely unfair to him,
but I believe he knew how great we could be together,
and he knew he'd win.
Travis really, really liked to win.
 (Also, the quote below makes me love my husband even more now.)

"Someone told me the other day that life's challenges make us tougher,

and the longer the challenge, the tougher we become.  They said we will be

ever more excited for the reward.  I love to be an optimist about so many things. I always envision that hole in one or winning the big game but I am always willing to accept when those things don't happen.  I don't want this to be the same thing. I have believed for a long time that Hayley is the one for me and I know the time is coming when this can become a reality."

Not long after he wrote that,
the missionary came home.

I waited....
Kind of.
Sort of.

Travis was in Canada for work the week he came home.
It gave me time to explain myself to the missionary,
and my family...
 and to realize how lucky I was that he stuck around.

"If all goes according to plan (Now this is my plan),
Hay will realize that she can't live without me by the end of May.  At that time I will be able to meet her family and we will begin a normal relationship.  By the end of June I will buy her a ring and we will be married in September."

Trav's plan happened just like he hoped.  My family would easily choose him over me.  They adore him.  He proposed on July 3rd and we got married Sept 6th.

I still realize every single day that I can't live without him.

But since I have to, I'm doing my best. :)

Even though the way we fell in love was not quite right, or normal, or perfect,

I love it.

It was just for us.

For a long time,

it was just us.

I treasure those hours we spent just learning about each other.

I treasure the little notes we'd leave on cars,

and the secret moments we shared.

 It was such an adventure to fall in love with Travis,

granted, an adventure that took place primarily in a parking lot,

but the best adventure I've had.

I know that I am a lucky one and intend to do my best to remember

that I was lucky enough to get this,

even if it wasn't for as long as either of us would like.

{Since Christmas}

We've built a very, very small snowman.  But adorable.

These two get older daily. 

And more beautiful.

And I'm completely smitten by them.

We are still missing him.

(Miss doesn't really describe it.  More like ache.)

But when I find gems like the one below I fall in love with my husband all over again.

I mean, Look at him.

He's handsome and just as smitten with these girls as I am.

Ache I tell you.

We've spent a lot of time up at Beaver Mountain.

We also really love that place.

The ladies picked out some lovely decor for Daddy's grave.

Only they could find animal print....

I'm sure T loves it.

More skiing.

This time with Cody and Linsey...we were only missing Sean 

and our little gang from childhood would have been complete.

It was lovely.

And these girls,

they've moved up from beginners to level 3 skiers.

If I could take T back,

I would. 

In a half a heartbeat...

but,

we are doing the things we weren't able to do before.

Skiing was something he wanted them to learn because I love it so much.

I'm sure he is so proud of them!

Superbowl Sunday was spent with mom doing makeovers.

Roo got highlights.

And somehow became a supermodel overnight.

And this one got a huge haircut!

And turned 16?

I can't even handle how gorgeous they are.

Heaven help me!

The girls found these Valentines from Daddy this week.

I am so happy they have them.

And really jealous that I don't have one...

What a good Dad they have.

Welcoming a New Year

(New Years Eve)

 New Years this year was very bitter sweet for me.

Letting go of the last year that Travis shared with us.

Welcoming a year without him.

It was strange, and really hard.

I was so grateful to a few of my widow friends who looked at it completely different.,

They were saying goodbye to a horribly hard year,

and welcoming one with a lot of hope, a lot of healing, and hopefully joy.

So, because of their example, 

I'm shooting for that also.

I'm really going to try to embrace everything that comes along this year.

We started out with skiing lessons for the girls.

I grew up skiing and have so many beautiful memories of being with

my friends and family up the Mountain.

When Travis got really sick,

we couldn't afford to go and take the girls,

and there was no possible way for me to live him all day on a Saturday...

Travis hated that. 

He hated that I wasn't able to share something I used to love so much with the girls.

 I think he'd be beyond happy to see them learning something

new, and something so good for all of us.

It's beautiful up there!

We also welcomed the snow with good intentions of making a snowman....
It wasn't the best packing snow so it ended up quite small..
but adorable nonetheless.

The girls are pretty amazing little things.

They are doing their best to be happy.

They are going to school, playing with friends, doing their lessons,

and trying to thrive in everything they do.

We have really tough moments.

Sometimes I just ache that they have to try to understand some 

really, incredible sad things...

but we are trying to work through it all together.

They know it's ok to laugh, to cry, and to be a little mad sometimes.

My hope for them is that they also know-that at the end of the day,

they better be smiling and not angry.

I'm really proud of them for the example they set for me.

I'm so lucky to be their mom!

I was able to spend my first day of skiing in years saturday with 

my Dad.

It happened to fall on the 3 month mark since Trav's passing.

Being up in the mountains,

seeing people having so much fun,

seeing the beauty of the Earth God created did make me feel full of hope.

So 2014...

Be kind to the Kidmans!

We are ready for you.