{Adyson's Blanket: Another Lovely memory of T}

 

I will never forget a few things in my life.

This is really saying something because, as I've mentioned before,

my memory is pretty terrible and I have forgotten most of my childhood,

high school, and even good chunks of my marriage.

 (This breaks my heart...I try not to dwell on it.)

But I will never, ever, ever forget deciding to start having babies.

One day, children weren't even close to being on my mind,

and then I woke up the next morning and I just felt like it was time.

Looking back on this,

I see God's hand in my life more then ever.

We would never have been able to have both of our kids if we

didn't start when we did.

It is another beautiful miracle in our life.

I woke up-looked at Trav and said,

"I think we should try to have a baby."

He looked at me like I was crazy...

and then agreed.

9 months later,

really,

9 months later,

Adyson joined us and made me a mother,

and made T a daddy.

He was many things.

 A provider,

a husband,

a computer nerd,

an avid board game winner,

a golfer,

but his absolute favorite title-was,

and I'm sure still is,

Daddy.

So yes,

having a baby was my idea.

But I'm not gonna lie,

I wasn't prepared for it one bit.

And I'm telling you this,

I wasn't good at it,

or comfortable with it.

I loved her right away,

I mean, I was smitten and would have done anything for her,

but the "mommy stuff", well...

Trav was better at it.

He could expertly change a diaper,

and while I was so scared to bathe her for fear she'd

slip right through my hands,

he would revel in it.

He would wake up to feed her in the middle of the night,

and honestly,

many-many times I'd offer,

and he would say "No, I got it.  I miss her when I'm at work."

He'd sing to her, rock her to sleep,

and somehow keep her asleep as he laid her down.

(Adyson fought sleep. Hard. And she still does.

She just hates missing anything!)

He was just always so good at it,

and always adoring and selfless.

My girls,

Oh how I pray they remember how incredibly loved they were. And are.

Anyhow.

One night when Adyson was probably about 5 months old,

Trav kissed me goodnight while

I was doing dishes and went to bed.

Adyson had been asleep an hour or two.

He crawled into bed and heard-very clearly,

a voice telling him to

"Go check on Adyson."

He instantly got up,

and when into her room to check on her.

She was in her crib, and when we put her down,

we must not have noticed the fringe blanket in her bed with her.

She had taken a piece of the fringe and sucked it in her mouth.

Travis pulled it out,

and she gasped for air.

He picked up the blanket,

made sure she was ok,

and went to bed.

He didn't even tell me about it until the next morning.

When I instantly had a heart attack and felt like the worst mom

on the planet....but I wont go into that, because the story isn't about

my unfit parenting skills. ;)

I married someone who listened when a prompting came his way.

And I truly believe he saved my sweet baby's life that day.

This is something I never want to forget,

and never want my kids to forget.

Marry someone who listens, and uses his gifts the way God intends him to.  I hope they remember that their Daddy never stopped doing that.  I am so proud that he's my husband. So grateful for the

father he was, and is.

Adyson turns 10 tomorrow.

My heart is breaking that she is growing another year older,

and Travis can't be here to celebrate with us.

He can't be here to tell her how amazing she is,

and to lead her by his example.

These days feel very hard to me,

and they just make my heart ache.

I know he is watching her,

I know he's proud of her.

I have no doubt that he is still doing his best

to make sure she is taking the right path for her life.

But man,

I sure wish he was right here holding my hand while I do this alone.

Also:

These pics.

I mean.

Oh man.

I miss him.

And us.

 

That is all.



{The story of the Boot: Another Travis Memory}

During our secret dating life,

I was going to beauty school.

(In fact, I had just started.  It was pretty darn funny 

when I got roses from the missionary, and Travis on my first day of school...)

Anyhow,

I lucked out immensely when I started school.

I met some pretty wonderful friends,

one in particular,

Lorinda.

I knew we'd be dear friends when I spilled a Coke on her on our

first lunch break together, and she still loved me.

We did everything together,

and she was one of the few who got to know all about Travis,

and she adored him.

She knew me well enough to know that he was right for me,

and she rooted for him all along.

(And to this day, Rind is one of my biggest supporters,

very dearest friends, and one of the most beautiful people I know.  The Good Lord

made sure we found each other-because I'm fairly certain He knew I'd need her!)

Along with Lorinda, we made some other pretty fantastic friends.

I still just adore them.

We did everything together,

and I cherish those memories.

We had so much fun!

And had some pretty crazy times together.

 

My friends (oddly, both named Jamie)

lived on campus at USU.

We spent a lot of time hanging around their apartments,

and especially when their roommates would go home for the weekend...

we would steal their beds and make ourselves comfy for the night.

(Which is funny because one of their old roommates is now in my ward,

and I had to tell her..."Hey, I've slept in your bed a few times!")

 

Anyhow,

parking at their place was a big old pain.

And because I was young, and really stupid,

I was sure I could bend the rules and park wherever I wanted.

 But,

I was wrong.

And,

I was devastated when I found a boot on my car.

And,

even more so when I learned that it was $60 to have it taken off.

 

I had about $70 in my savings account.

(How sad and pathetic is that?  Note: I had great shoes).

 

I remember calling Travis crying and feeling pretty broken hearted over it.

(Which is funny to me now, because this was clearly---allllll myyy faultttt.)

Anyhow, I paid the fine and we were on our way.

The next day at school Travis called.

He said,

"Go out to your car, right now...and hurry."

I assumed he was there,

but he wasn't.

Instead, an enormous pair of red cowboy boots were on my window shield.

My first thought, I really truly remember thinking...was "do I have to wear these?"

Because they were hideous!

And I wondered why in the world he would buy me shoes.

Ugly, ugly shoes.

 

And then I grabbed them and looked inside.

He had taken 60  1 dollar bills and rolled each one of them up and stuffed those ugly boots.

A note read something like "Boots to help pay for your boot".

 

That man.

How I didn't just marry him then-I'll never know.

 

(These Travis Memories just make me smile.  How lucky was I to have this in my life??)

 

Conferences, The Catan Olympics, Valentines Day

We had Parent Teacher Conferences a few weeks ago.

I was a little nervous that because life has thrown these loves a complete curve ball

things wouldn't go great,

but once again,

they've proven me wrong.

I am so proud.

They are both getting wonderful grades,

and better then that,

I was told they are kind, happy, and really great kids.

I agree.

I'm so proud of them for working so hard and for being able to overcome so much this year.

Sienna had this darling book hanging by her room.

It just made my heart ache for her.

(Front Cover-self portrait-My big moments of 2013)

 

My heart.  It aches and breaks.

We had a week completely buried in snow.

We fasted and prayed for moisture,

and we got it!

It was beautiful.

And a week later it's completely gone.

What a strange few weeks we've had.

The other day we were at my moms house and my brother had a grand idea.

The Catan Olympics.

Bless his heart.

He made medals from scratch...

We hummed the Olympic song,

and played the game with some embarrassingly intense longing to win.

Oh, and yes...I'm a gold medalist.

Don't be jeal.

Travis would have loved this.

He would have gotten the gold and I missed him!

Also, so glad my family finds ways to make life happy.

I love them so much.

I was pretty excited to chop my hair off and get some new color.

It always feels great to change it up!

Valentines came and went.

I wasn't greatly excited for it.

It's not that I care a whole lot about the holiday,

but not having Travis here made it much less happy.

I threw myself into crafting to get through it!

I missed him.

I miss him.

I love him.

I told the girls they could choose where we went to dinner.

Duh, they always choose Olive Garden.

When will I learn.

I adore my little valentines and they remind me of how blessed I am!

I found a Valentine From T a few days before the big day.

That made me smile, and made my heart melt.

I have some pretty amazing friends and family.

They always, always, always go above and beyond for me.

They spoiled me for Valentines Day and helped ease the burden.

I appreciate them sacrificing so much for me.

And one more..

because I can't help but think she's the most beautiful little 7 year old.

I adore her.

Our Story

Valentines Day is quickly approaching.

It's never been a Holiday I care about much,

but this year I will feel the ache of not having my 

Valentine here.  I miss that guy.

In the past few months I've met a lot of widows,

a good chunk of them are close to my age and dealing with 

some of the same feelings and situations I am.

They have all found beautiful ways to document their memories

and lives with their husbands.

I've set a goal to really write down some great memories of Travis and I.

I want my kids to have lots and lots of memories of their own,

and memories they can picture from others.

 If you have a memory, kind thought, or anything you feel the ladies should

remember about T,

please e-mail it to me!

Hayley429@hotmail.com

And enjoy these many "Travis Memories" posts to come.

Today's story is how we met- and fell in love.

I like this one.

(I like them all!)

Also, posts in italics are exerts straight from T's journal.

(I didn't include any of the embarrassing mushy things he wrote...

he would have killed me, but I loved his input on our story.

Just makes my day reading his words about it.)

I can't tell you how much I treasure these words. 

This journal is the best gift he ever gave me.

 I had my first real boyfriend when I was 15.

Yes, 15.

(Mom...Why? How did I get away with this?  How can i hide this from my kids in 5 years?)

This boyfriend was a Senior while I was a mere sophomore.

He had some of the most hilarious friends-who became some of my best friends.

And we had so much fun together.

I went to my first date with him.

My first high school dance with him.

We played volleyball with a huge group of friends

 under the lights in a small city nearby nightly.  

We went water skiing, snow skiing, and sat by the fire

in a secret campground his friends discovered.

And have really fond memories of the fun group of friends we had together.

It was a great way to start high school...and when he left for his LDS mission....

I was gonna be here when he got home.

Then,

as at least 75% of all Mormon girls do,

I wrote a Dear John letter because...

 I met boyfriend #2.

Boyfriend #2 was not a whole lot like #1.

He was more like the men in my family.

I remember fishing in the little ponds in his country town,

driving on dirt roads late at night-almost hitting deer multiple times.

4 wheeling and hunting.

I went to my last high school dance with him and spent graduation 

with him and our friends-picturing a future together.

We spent lots of time with each others families.

My family adored him.

And I adored his family.

He was in my future plans,

and we were all banking on it.

And when he left for his Mission....

I was gonna be here when he got home.

I was NOT going to be the girl who sent 2 missionaries off

and Dear John'ed them both.

I wasn't going to date anyone.

I wasn't going to give anyone else the time of day.

I was going to school and working full time and

focusing on the future and both of our families seemed content with this plan.

For a short amount of time, before I started school,
 I was just working full time.

I'd start at 6:00 am and had a phone job...

many times I would doze of while waiting for a call to come in.
This will come as no surprise to anyone who knows me.
I am decidedly not a morning person.

I often went in a hat, sans makeup and eyes full of sleep.

This is how I met Travis.

(Even as I write this I grin.)

"It's one of those classic stories.  Boy meets girl.  They fall in love and
live happily ever after...well, not even close.  This story has to be one of the most complicated
ever written."

 He was a manager there and switched his shift to mornings

after I'd been there for a while.

 I have no recollection of our first meeting.

T always said I was wearing a red sweater...but I don't recall.

I don't really remember how we became such friends,

but at some point-

I'd always find myself with a question as soon as he was on the floor.

And he'd always happen to find a project by my desk...

"I was put in charge of seating so when everyone moved I kept Hayley right

in the front."

I loved being stuck in that front seat.

But it was harmless and he was a flirt and there were plenty of girls in the office

who liked this single Travis.

And he was 6 years older then me....

it seemed like a lot back then.

 I didn't hide the missionary from him.

I told anyone who would ask about him,

and made sure he knew that there was no way this would go anywhere.

It was harmless flirting.

Somewhere along the lines Travis and I both switched to working nights.

It was a slow season and he would find any excuse to get me working on 

a project near him, and in turn I found any excuse to chat with him.

I filed a lot of things that didn't need filing and cleaned a lot of already clean things.

We spent most of our work nights partially working, and mostly chatting.

I would try to set him up with girls from work,

just to make it clear that I was already taken.

(But inside I knew that he wasn't gonna date them)

(And I probably would have died a little inside if he would have).

 (Please remember I was young, selfish, and secretly smitten).

We worked till 9 each night and he always happened to leave the exact same time as me.

We'd walk down the back set of stairs together chatting,
He'd always walk me to my car,
and then we would go our separate ways.
And I drove away smiling, every single night.

But still,

I had big plans to marry that Missionary.
And I still didn't want to be 'that' girl.

A friend I worked with at the time also had a little crush on T.

So one day after work

 as we took our usual walk down the stairs I told him he should ask her out.

Travis looked at me with a pained expression...

and an annoyed expression.
(How I miss that look!)

 That day we happened to park in two separate parking lots.

He offered me a ride to my car and I quizzed him about why he wouldn't ask my friend out.

"I was such a pansy.  I wouldn't let her out of my car because I had something to tell her
but I couldn't say...If I could have read her mind I'm sure she was freaking out wishing she would have brought her can of mace. After a while I finally got the words out.  I can't go out with your friend because I want to go out with you. I did it. Now comes the part where she acts excited and says yes.  Well, that didn't happen either.  She sat silent for what seemed like an Eternity , and finally uttered maybe."

Yes, I just said maybe.

Travis wasn't shy exactly. 

He would have comfortable asking anyone else out..

but I'd been shoving my boyfriend in his face for months,

and he was adorably nervous.

I loved it.

I still love just thinking about it.

Meanwhile,

the thought of telling my family,

or the Missionaries family that I was even thinking of dating

made me feel ill.

I hated thinking I was letting anyone down.

(32 year old me knows that my family and his family would have understood,

but 19 year old me didn't dare even broach the subject.  I was really pretty dumb about it.)

So I eventually told Travis no.

And then spent hours and hours chatting with him after work.

I mean hours.

We stood in a parking lot, or sat in our cars listening to music,

and talking about everything under the sun.

It was never boring and it was the brightest spot of my day.

Travis was nothing like anyone I'd known.

He had such a head on his shoulders.

He knew what he wanted and had so much ambition and drive.

He was so smart and athletic and sarcastic.

His sarcasm and sense of humor just fit me to a T.

And before I knew it,

I was head over heels in love.

We'd never even kissed.

And we had never even been on a date.

I fell in love in a parking lot.
A really ghetto parking lot.

And it scared the hell out of me.

I had never even mentioned him to my family.

So naturally,

being the complete wuss that I was,

I broke up with him.

In the parking lot-of course.

I told him I would marry my Missionary and that we should end it 

before either one of us got in over our heads.

And he said,

"Oh I think it's too late for that."

He walked me to my car that night and told me he didn't really think

it was fair that it felt like we were breaking up and we'd never even kissed.

And then he kissed me.

Twice.

(Till he died he maintained that I went in for the second kiss..we agreed to disagree).

"As I told her goodnight she pulled me in for another kiss, (she claims I moved in for one last
smooch, but I know for a fact that she pulled me in".

I went home with a heavy-very confused heart.

During this time I was going to school in the mornings and working at night,

so time was limited.

And for an entire day I really kept to that break-up.

But... it just didn't keep.

I adored him too much, 

and he wasn't giving in.

And somehow,

he became my secret boyfriend who 

I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone about. 

I felt like it started out so innocent and became something 

so real, so fast,

I just didn't know how to broach the subject with anyone...

so I didn't.

Instead of just hanging out in the parking lot,

we started going places and spending every free second together.

We broke up and got back together almost weekly because

he was ready for more and I was so caught in my web that I didn't know 

where to start unraveling.

This lasted for along time.
When I think about it,
I know that Travis just saw the bigger picture,
and that's why he put up with me.
It was completely unfair to him,
but I believe he knew how great we could be together,
and he knew he'd win.
Travis really, really liked to win.
 (Also, the quote below makes me love my husband even more now.)

"Someone told me the other day that life's challenges make us tougher,

and the longer the challenge, the tougher we become.  They said we will be

ever more excited for the reward.  I love to be an optimist about so many things. I always envision that hole in one or winning the big game but I am always willing to accept when those things don't happen.  I don't want this to be the same thing. I have believed for a long time that Hayley is the one for me and I know the time is coming when this can become a reality."

Not long after he wrote that,
the missionary came home.

I waited....
Kind of.
Sort of.

Travis was in Canada for work the week he came home.
It gave me time to explain myself to the missionary,
and my family...
 and to realize how lucky I was that he stuck around.

"If all goes according to plan (Now this is my plan),
Hay will realize that she can't live without me by the end of May.  At that time I will be able to meet her family and we will begin a normal relationship.  By the end of June I will buy her a ring and we will be married in September."

Trav's plan happened just like he hoped.  My family would easily choose him over me.  They adore him.  He proposed on July 3rd and we got married Sept 6th.

I still realize every single day that I can't live without him.

But since I have to, I'm doing my best. :)

Even though the way we fell in love was not quite right, or normal, or perfect,

I love it.

It was just for us.

For a long time,

it was just us.

I treasure those hours we spent just learning about each other.

I treasure the little notes we'd leave on cars,

and the secret moments we shared.

 It was such an adventure to fall in love with Travis,

granted, an adventure that took place primarily in a parking lot,

but the best adventure I've had.

I know that I am a lucky one and intend to do my best to remember

that I was lucky enough to get this,

even if it wasn't for as long as either of us would like.

Fall Happenings.

Took this quick snapshot of Adyson the other day. It makes my heart happy. This kid.... She's such a gem. She had been a tough- wonderful cookie the past few weeks and I do think she is beautiful, inside and out. 
This one. Honestly woke up early to get ready for school because she couldn't wait to wear this jacket. She said she felt like she was headed to the office.

This is the goal.

This was the book sienna brought home from the library. A hint I have some work to do?

I know... More sienna.  But I had to include this. After her soccer game I asked her to give me her best " aggressive soccer pose". I got this.  She's cute. Maybe not aggressive... But so darn cute!

Normalcy

I'm sure you've read our cancer blog by now. It's getting harder and harder to desperate the two blogs, and I wish these worlds wouldn't collide... But I guess that's life for you. I'm trying really hard to document our lives. Trying to remember the really beautiful and really normal moments that are happening during this very strange time of our lives.

Thank goodness for these kids. They always put things in perspective.

Like when we found roo asleep like this the other night. Such a diva.

And how she scored her first goal the other day. For the other team.  Oh bless her.

And we loved how Bennett mauled Adyson.... And drooled on her the other day. She was actually on heaven.

The ladies ran the annual tri school trot a few days ago. They had a blast. Their smiles are heartwarming.

Today we watched some more soccer, went to lunch as a family, and t went to a bit of the Aggie game while the ladies and I shopped and went to dinner. It was a very normal day. And we like normal.

11 years. Lagoon.

Here is the latest in the Kidman household.  About a month ago our ward got pretty torn up by some new boundaries. This has been tough. Yes, we want to get to know other members, and the church is the same no matter where we go... But man, we loved our old ward. We love and miss them every single week.  My dear friend nat came to sit in relief society with me a few weeks ago and we just happened to be twins.  And yes, I took a pic during the meeting. Judge away. Judge away. 

It's cooling down and I feel a change in the air. I go out and run in the mornings and the air is crisp and I stomp on a few leaves on my way. I love this time of year. I love the cooking. The holidays. The pumpkin!! And the rainboots. I am so happy to welcome the season.

Adyson has to run 29 miles this year for school.  Here is or first attempt for 2. She whined the entire time! We went again the other day and she was much happier.... I guess I need to make sure she's in the mood before we go! 

School has been good so far. The ladies have fabulous teachers and we feel pretty happy with that! They do come home looking much less happy then the pic below. Homework, you know. It's rough.

Roo and I decided to give her straight hair one day. She looked beautiful. And old. And I may never do it again! I just adore her curls. 

The ladies have made sure to have a few more spa days. This one was complete with cucumber eyes. Bless travs heart. He is a fabulous father!

And on the 6th, we celebrated our 11th anniversary! I could do a mushy post on how much I adore him, cuz I do. Or how amazing our lives have been together, cuz it is. And how I never thought our lives would be quite like it is, cuz I wouldn't have... But ill just say this. I'd still marry him in a heartbeat. Any day. I love him immensely. 

Our anniversary ended up falling on travs work lagoon day, so that's what we did. The ladies had so much fun. They were absolute best friends the whole night, which doesn't happens as much as I wish it did. They hugged and went on every ride together. We were so happy to see it!

Sienna has been begging ady to go on wicked. Sienna loves the big rides and Adyson gets a little too nervous. But, she went, and she loved it! So happy to have two brave little ladies! They went on everything and giggled the entire night together.  Life here is good. Just look at these smiles!

{Easter & Spring Break}

Easter this year, brought The Wolfley Family along with it.

We were so excited for some cousin/sister time.

I seriously let my kids sluff a day of school just to see them....

I couldn't help it.

They spent a whole day just being lazy at Grandmas,

and then when night came, the egg dying began.

Roo was excited!

 Yep, her too.

 Us too?

What a picture!

 It's always much more fun having the cousins around to do this all together!

 Our tie eggs turned out pretty fab if I do say so myself.

 After the egg dying the adults played some games,

while the kids put on a show.

 It was a mad house!

 

The next morning Grandma hid about a million eggs around the house 

for a hunt.  All the kids had a blast!

 And then their quick trip was over.

Oh, it's always just so sad when the Wolfleys have to leave!

We loathe it.

We love them.

These 2 still couldn't get enough of each other.

We are always amazed at how inseparable they are.

It melts my heart.

 These 2.

 They like each other quite a bit too...

 

It's not often that all 8 of these cousins are together.

They have quite a special bond and it was so fun to spend some 

time together.

  

The second they left,

we were excited for another egg hunt at the Kidmans house.

What a fun day filled with cousins!

They are all growing up so big, so fast.

 Sunday morning the ladies donned their beautiful dresses.

I have beautiful kids.

And great kids.

I am a blessed lady.

 And I even bought me a dress!

It's been like 10 years since I've bought an Easter Dress.

I've decided it's a tradition I'm restarting for myself!:)

 Then Spring Break began,

and this little one got sick. 

It's rare when Adyson is sick,

so we were pretty bummed that it hit during our break.

She did a lot of sleeping.

 

So Sienna spent the first few days entertaining me.

She's a ham!

 

 We were so happy that Adyson got better fast,

because we had a fun few girl days planned.

 Lunch at the Olive Garden.

They LOVE it there,

and Trav isn't a fan, so they go there any chance they can!

 And the Croods.

Totally loved that movie.

 And late night games with friends.

Girl Talk.

Hilarious!

 And we taught Adyson to play Settlers.

And she won.

Stinker.

She is mean and ruthless.

 Don't believe that sweet smile and baby blues...:)

 We were off having all this fun without Trav.

That doesn't happen often around here.

Last year he had tickets to go to the Masters in Augusta, GA.

A serious dream of his.

And it fell during a week in the ICU undergoing IL-2.

He was really bummed, and I was really bummed for him.

A friend of ours had mentioned he had tickets this year,

and between this friend and I, we were both pretty determined he would

get to go this year.

For Christmas he got a golf ball in his stocking,

and has been pretty excited to go there ever since.

I have no words to express how thankful we are for friends

who want Travis to experience so much good as much as I do.

They went out of their way to take care of him,

without babying him,

and to make sure the experience was just FUN for him.

(I think all 3 of them had a blast.)

First they went to a braves game.

 And the next day to The Martin Luther King Jr. museum.

(Trav said it was pretty amazing).

 

And then a day at Augusta!

They weren't allowed to bring a cell phone in,

so we don't have many pictures yet...

but I can't wait to see them.

Travis said it was beautiful,

fun, and inspiring.

He deserved this trip so much.

I'm so happy for him!

 

 And now life is back to normal.

Trav's home (yay!), and we are both back to work (boo!)

and the ladies are back to school. 

Today Adyson had her small machine fair at school.

Isn't her Wishing well just adorable?

Only a few more months till school is out, 

and we all couldn't be happier!